3 days and one hour

She'll be leaving.

I'm scared.

My bestest friend is leaving.

Eight years... 

of friendship.

She's all grown up, I'm proud of her.

Gonna write a letter to her soon.

It's nothing like a love letter, there's no excitement and flustered emotions.

It's gonna be a pure, earnest friendship letter.

I'm already crying thinking bout that.

Ready to move on but no really?

God, it's hard. Whenever I'm alone, images of jealousy appeared in my mind again. I wanna move on. I really wanted to. I want to erase those memories, social media sucks bad at this time. Ivan was right. I loved. I don't think I am in love but I emotionally loved, I put my emotions into the relationship, I wasted too much time missing him back then. That's why it hurts. I thought I covered up the scar but Facebook sucks, I realized I hadn't let it go when i saw his photo. I cried. Finally, after one week. It's true, I ignored the fact I broke up. I thought I was okay, but no. I came across a passage from Elite Daily, it says women brings there baggage from one relationship to another, more broken the each time they move on, they will always remember how the scars are, how deeply they fell in love, it will be a baggage which will only be lighter from time to time, losing part by part of herself. I can say that I did not fell in love, instead I was blinded by desire, desperation of being loved and the most scariest thing, lust. Lust was indeed beautiful but the consequences were unimaginable, it felt like a curse, that moment of regret, killer of innocence. I'm scared of falling in love, but I'm just that kind of woman, well, like 90% of women in the world, we do the same thing, find love. It's our nature, we'll never stop finding love, or waiting for love. That's it, not to say I'm proud but wow, who knows I'll have two ex- boyfriends from high school... hahaha. There were moments of fun and also times where it hurts like crazy, but I do not regret it, I felt comforted, at least I loved, or tried to. Good experience I would say to know what young love is. Young love is wild, daring, as we are in the generation Y, we chase after what we want, not scared, we live like kings and queens. Sorry mum, I grew up faster than you've imagined. Time to move on. Bye ex- boyfriend. I meant, I'm ready to say bye but this stupid woman soul won't let it go so fast, is it that I have an incredible memory? Not sure. Still, I hope I won't end up bumping you in our housing area (I'm getting a car LOL which means increasing our chances of bumping into each other), and also PLEASE I hope I won't go to your college, but it offers the cheapest course.... bruuuuuhhhhh I hope I won't see you in a few years, not to mention we'll have to go back to school to take our results... Hope you won't appear lol, go to your college please, i'm bad. Btw, I sweared. HAHAHA. I sweared on both breakups. Everyone knows I don't swear, Ivan was so shocked when I sweared too vulnerably. I admit it was really bad. Move on, MOVE ON YOU WOMAN.

好像忘了。

很好，
感情事我忘得快。
没有你也很好
好像找回自己了。
说真的，
你也没对我太好。
值得留念的不多。
可惜在失去了暧昧时的我们，
回不到我们好朋友的时候。
遗憾，
只是在于我，
失去了位好朋友，
那是在一起前的我们，
所以我们在一起的时光不是最美最值得留念的。
而是我们还没掉入爱河的那段时光。
一起读书一起捉弄对方的时光。
不去想了。
谢谢你陪伴我度过中五的中学生涯，
再会， 好朋友。
希望我们大了以后，
找到适合的同后，
偶尔能一起出来，
喝一杯，
像老朋友一样。
十年后吧。
有缘出来喝杯吧。
干杯。

Young love.

I fell in love,
I caught up with life.
I experienced the wonderful tingling feelings,
the ones the songs and books talked about.
It's another mistake I made,
but it felt good.
I fell in a good way.
I came back from the pothole of lust.
I did not shed a tear.
My heart felt like it tore,
but it healed up pretty fast,
I'm not fully healed,
memories they still haunt me,
but I grew, I know it's not worth to cry for.
For I gave more than enough,
and he did not.
Mistakes.
But no regrets.
It's beautiful after all, to date, discover and experience love.
Young love, beautiful.
The part where two people parts,
may seem saddening,
but that's what makes the whole thing breathtaking, breathless.
It's the beauty of young, fragile and mysterious love.
Crush, lust, tingles, desire.
You experience it all, no shame saying it.
yes, I've experienced it.
I'm not yet mature and I can never say I'm mature.
But I learnt, I start up again.
It's a beautiful 2015.
God bless me.
And you too, my best friend.
My old love.
Bless you.
We can find a better life apart.
And thanks for having me.
Loves, me.

期待什么

无可否认， 我就是这么期待他的出现。真的很讨厌这样的我。
他不知道。这又不是喜欢又不是爱， 我到底在等什么。为什么会有这份期待。
他没和我聊天， 又多了份空虚， 少了份喜悦。今天也因为少了一个人的声音， 天也黑了些。
我是花痴吗？ 我是什么问题， 人家有宝了我干嘛会有这种想法？
天啊…
每次这些小动作， 让我心跳。
真讨厌。
这是我自找的。
是我张开我的私人地域， 欢迎他随意占领。
我太幼稚了， 还是他太不会画尺线。
我就是这样， 迷茫地过了十七年，
都不懂为什么会去渴望这样的安慰。
这样也好。
证明自己是爱男的。
相信我这辈子， 一直都会面临这种问题。

This hollowness that I'm feeling.
What is it?
Why am I waiting for that arrival?
I'm lost in the sea of feelings and emotions again.
Help me, Lord.

The friend- flirt gap

Not gripping well enough, that's when tricks are playing on your mind. 

 

I just came to realize that I'm actually quite sensitive, I show my emotions easily. That's why I suck at acting. It has always been like that, I have no idea why I can easily have feelings for someone as long as we have great chats, and a bit of chemistry. This sucks, totally sucks so bad. 

 

It's ridiculous, these traps are all pot holes I set up for myself, falling deeper and deeper every time. I know it's great to flirt, it boosts up confidence or a girl alone.  But when you realized things are not right, it's hard to leave a game just like that. These flirty games are fun, leaving girls all blushing and that feeling is just amazing, but that's when you pay the price when the person's gone and there, you are all alone, not waiting for that someone but waiting to be loved and caressed.

 

You see, I'm insecured, I admit that, like totally insecured. I need someone there to actually care for me and show compassion for me. It sounds attention seeking but it is the most comforting thing in this world to me. It's everyone's nature to seek attention, usually the opposite sex. I'm not saying that I'm looking for love from the opposite sex, no, I don't want a boyfriend yet, not now, but I'm actually looking for comfort, for a someone who I can share my thoughts openly with, for a someone who is from the opposite sex as a best friend. I have no idea why I wanted this but it's my nature, I can't hate it, I'm an extrovert in the sense of needing people to be around me to gain energy, to be myself. I really love being around people.

Guessed I already found him.

Things were really wrong at first. I have to admit he's a flirty guy but we seem to catch up little by little, and I really like the way we talk, not denying that I actually feel the chemistry between us. I wasn't sure are those really hints he'd dropped but I just kept it at heart, pretending it's okay and hid those tingling feelings deep down my heart. We sorted things out after I found out he actually is chasing after a girl. I was really straightforward, surprisingly. Then he we are, best friends.

But deep down inside I know, something is amiss. He's still a flirty guy, his actions are obviously crossing the buddy line, but I acted cool, pretending it's normal since he's so Americanized. We really like chatting with each other and now I'm actually depending on him on some ways. He has a girlfriend now and I know I can't really cling on to him anymore, but that just made my heart hollow. It's like he's there but there is still a distance for me to reach him. No I'm not in love with him, totally no but I guess I'm actually missing the comfort I got from him. he gave me security and now his girlfriend appears, and I'm losing in some way.

That's my problem, I'm too dependant on people. I expect them to show me compassion twenty four seven, and feel down when they don't. I've asked myself before, if we really flirted over the line last time, will we become more than best friends. He actually asked me a similar question too, and I said no. A part of my heart wanted it, but the wisdom part of me will always say a 'no'. Why? Because I know it's immature, it's not a part of my value, we are too young, I'm looking for someone understanding and not someone who just gives me sweet tingles. It will always be a no but part of me is selfish, so I still have to endure the selfishness  although it's a no.

I'm a believer of God but I dare not to say I'm a very strong follower at heart. If God hadn't place his girlfriend in the middle of our messy relationship last time, I don't think we will be able to clear up our minds and don't even think of becoming best friends. He's just that amazing, putting right people at the right time, He paved a path for me. He's great, amen!

I wouldn't say those tingling feelings disappeared, but I'm trying to clear things off. I know he will always be there as a best friend, there's always a hug for me if I'm breaking down. He's my best friend, I thank God for that although he's a non- believer. People may think I'm searching for attention but no, I feel easy and myself when I'm with him, it's true that every girl needs a guy friend, cus' there are always stuff that your girl friends don't get. Sorry but I laugh at some dirty jokes which my girl friends feel disgusted about. That's one of the reason guy friends are for. I don't take him for granted but he's really someone I'll appreciate, for a long time  guess.

Seventeen years old and I managed to crawl out of a complicated friend-flirt relationship and found my stand. Thanks boy, thanks for being there. BFFs forever.